Trauma Informed Relational Model (TIRM) is theoretical and practical framework developed at The Trauma Recovery Institute to address relational conflicts in a trauma informed way and to create and sustain a long term committed intimate relationship. This model is a multidiscipline approach incorporating right brain psychotherapy, somatic psychotherapy, trauamatology & ptsd, object relations theory, interpersonal neurobiology, attachment research, polyvagal theory, non violent communication and dynamic psychosocialsomatic psychotherapy.
The Premise of Trauma Informed Relational Model (TIRM)
1- The Romantic Bond is the completion of what is unresolved / un repaired in the parental bond. Therefore the relationship is the therapy.
2- We come together to complete , reenacting traumatic or adverse events so that awareness can be brought to a reemerging dynamic or feeling state in an effort for it to be healed, we do this through conflict and repair . This is the very purpose of the relationship.
3- We strive to provide corrective emotional healing experiences for each other. Allowing each other into our internal world, sharing love maps and continuous invitations.
4- The greater the childhood trauma and neglect, the uglier the conflict and reenactment will be.
5- Conflict and repair is a necessary psychological, metabolic and neurological process which is an adaptive and hormetic response. Avoiding this process can create disease, which is driven by chronic States of sympathetic activation (fight/flight) or dorsal vagal activation (shut down) of the nervous system and stuck unrepaired cell danger response.
6- Feelings are not facts, but they are real and meaningful and most likely familiar.
7- Co regulation produces safety, down regulating outside the relationship can erode safety.
8- Manage the masculine and feminine energies. The feminine needs safety and to feel priority , the masculine needs goals and purpose and accomplishment . Help the masculine be good at the relationship and that’s where he will focus. Lift the feminine up, help her feel safe and she will bring a huge amount of love and nurturing to the relationship.
9- Compassionate curiosity is an important muscle to exercise.
10- Use the 7 principles as a way to frame and repair conflicts.
When we meet our partners, we make an unconscious contract to help each other resolve emotional injuries of the past , we unconsciously pick or hire the perfect person to trigger this stored painful memory of our past , it is for this exact reason we have come together . Relationships are not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be embraced. Conflict is a gift to be unpacked , to embrace, an opportunity to grow , resolve and mature . Conflict can not be resolved at the level with which it was created. We hire the person in our life who is most compatible to help us resolve what is unresolved from our childhood. Our relationship lives in the space between us and it is sacred . This becomes the playground for our children . When there are only two options , take the third option ! Keep the space between you safe and sacred . Honour the space between you , by visiting the other by crossing the bridge . Cross the bridge with an open mind to learn , with curiosity and compassion , leave behind your hurt and trauma. Crossing the bridge is becoming completely present with your partner, listening without interruption, defensiveness or judgement, holding an unconditional space for your partner to share.
Beyond right thinking and Beyond wrong thinking there is a field , I will meet you there - This is the third option
Seven principles for Co Creating a Conscious Relationship with The Ultimate Relationship Program
1- The relationship lives in the space between us.
2- The emotional charged part of your partner is the child in them trying to tell their story , allow each other to tell that story by crossing the bridge.
3- We are energy that can be positive and negative , be aware of this energy by not making the space toxic .
4- When our partners exhibits bewildering behaviour , it is a cry for help from the child within them , the behaviour is a protection , get to know each other's cry for help .
5- The stretching principle is based on the idea that every frustration in the relationship is a gift to be unpacked. Thank your partner for this opportunity to grow.
6- Release joy into the relationship. Play, joy and fun are all essential ingredients for connection and repairing any disconnection in the relationship, it is also important to direct our passion into the relationship otherwise these passion will be redirected outside the relationship and we will begin to feel the relationship is no longer working.
7- Create a compelling dream together as a couple. Define the relationship, be specic about goals and plans short term and long term. when we are specific we deirect enegry towards attracting and achieving our dreams and goals.
The Ten Commandments for Committed Loving Relationships by Hedy Schleifer
1 - Honor the Bridge:
There is an invisible bridge that connects us to our partner, and this bridge allows us to visit them, and get to know them and “learn" them. Become bi-lingual by learning the language of your partner.
2 - Honor the Space:
Our relationship lives in the “relational space” between us. It is like a garden whose soil we are tending. The space between us is the playground of our children. Keep the space sacred.
3 - Honor the Laboratory:
Our relationship is a small "living laboratory" where two grownups, who are little children on the inside, can help each other become two mature adults. Carry a picture of your partner as a little child in your wallet.
4 - Honor the Differences:
Do remember that “incompatibility" is a boost to your relationship! When two people are the same….one of them is superfluous. Embrace the differences.
5 - Honor the “Other”:
Transform your point of view from: "The two of us are one…. and I'm the one!", or “The two of us are one….and you are the one!" to “The two of us are two!" Each one of us is a unique individual on a joint journey towards relational maturity. Learn to become intelligent “in” your relationship.
6 - Honor the Safe Harbor:
Create a safe harbor for your partner because when things are difficult, growth is trying to happen. Conflict is a friend! Whenever there is a conflict say: “A Conflict! What an opportunity!”
7 - Honor the Romance:
Keep the fire going through romance: All day is foreplay. Gift your partner with at least 100 small gestures of love and caring every day. And remember to keep your relationship flourishing. There is a "Five to One" ratio of appreciations to criticisms.
8 - Honor the Gift of Frustrations:
There is a 90-10 formula in any conflict: 10% of the energy of the current frustration comes from the present, and 90% of the frustration comes from the past, which is still buried. "The Past is a silent voter in your apparent Present." Frustrations are gifts to liberate us from the shackles of our past.
9 - Honor your Dreams:
Put your "wildest dreams" on the horizon because "Energy follows Attention.” When we dream alone it is just a dream. When we dream together it is the beginning of a new reality. Create a "joint vision" for your relationship. Providence will provide unexpected serendipities and gifts to realize your dreams.
10 - Honor the Silence of the Soul:
Take time each day to just look at each other in silence, holding your eye contact softly, holding hands gently, breathing together, and letting yourselves feel that there is "All the Time in the World" just to be together, and that “All is Well."
Book an appointment now for The Ultimate Relationship Program
Book an appointment today with complex trauma specialist, lifestyle medicine clinician and embodied tantra & relationship coach Darren Maguire. Darren is the founder and Director of The Trauma Recovery Institute. During a consultation you will learn how to be fully alive, fully present with a rich connection with self and your partner, this allows for the richest of human experiences. Learn effective communication skills, and “dissolve” relationship conflict created by affairs, projections, past traumas and attachment difficulties. This is much more than couples counselling. Couples counselling generally is not effective at all as it is based on a premise that there is something wrong in the relationship. We do not see it this way. We believe that the relationship is not broken but is a mirror of what needs to be resolved or dissolved within ourselves and within our relationships. Our Relationship Coaching Program is a clinically proven therapeutic approach grounded in neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology using Trauma Informed Relational Model (TIRM). A Ultimate Relationship Program session often results in re-connection, restores compassion, forgiveness and intimacy, teaches how to make authentic mutual amends, and rebuilds mutual trust for a new future together.If there is conflict in your relationship, try our 12 week Ultimate Relationship Program. If you are having sex & intimacy challenges in your relationship or would like to dive deeper into intimacy, check out our Embodied Tantra Program.
The Ultimate Relationship Program - Trauma Informed Relational Model (TIRM): 6 Steps to a Passionate Intimate Committed Relationship
Step 1 The Unconscious Contract: Establish triggers, needs and agreements.
Step 2 The Seven Principles: Establish a relationship mission statement, why are you in the relationship? what are the relationship shared goals.
Step 3 Understanding The Imago: Explore each other's internal world through our inner child visualisation exercise.
Step 4 The Ten Commandments: Explore and practise the bridge exercise. visit each other on the bridge, listen, validate, create a safe space.
Step 5 Two Is The Magic Number: Make each other and the relationship the priority. Manage the thirds, discuss external energies and others which may come between you or are prioritised before you. Discuss addictions, withdrawal, hobbies, children, family, friends, food, distractions, phones etc.
Step 6 The Tantric Path - Let's Talk About Sex: Discuss and explore patterns of intimacy, touch, arousal, love making, desires, play, masculine and feminine dominance. Develop a tantric ritual.
1 12 x 90 minute ultimate relationship consultations with relationship coach
2 Online Platform with exercises, assignments, videos and questionnaires
3 Ultimate Relationship Guide Pdf
4 Understanding Relationship Style via trauma history, adverse childhood experiences and attachment assessment forms
5 Informative presentations and further learning on the poly vagal theory, interpersonal neurobiology and attachment theory.
6 The Tantric Path - Let's Talk About Sex: Discuss and explore patterns of intimacy, touch, arousal, love making, desires, play, masculine and feminine dominance. Develop a tantric ritual.